Groanings...

So, what do you feel when you feel nothing? If you feel empty then isn’t that feeling something or is that feeling nothing? It’s a conundrum. Whatever it is…or isn’t…that’s what I’m feeling…or not. Confused? Me, too. We just got home from having a good dinner out with some new friends and it was really a fun evening. We haven’t enjoyed ourselves that much for a long time and the time flew by as we visited with this group of folks all associated with Fortress of Hope Children’s Home.

We came home and all the animals needed immediate attention. Jim had to stay on the front porch to clean Xander’s dirty paws before he could come in to the house and I had to go out on the deck to feed the crying cats their second dinner of the evening!

I had gotten a glass of water for Eddy, our night guard, and was coming in the bedroom to talk to Jim about taking it out to him and giving Eddy some extra cash. The guards get paid on Sunday and Eddy went to the Oriental Market this morning to buy groceries for the week and was robbed. He’s still without food and now without any money. We had discussed re-paying him this week’s wages and also cautioning him about going to that market. He has already told us that we shouldn’t go there…maybe he’ll now follow his own advice. The problem is that it’s so much cheaper but I don’t see the savings if you lose all you’ve got.

As I walked in to the bedroom to talk to Jim about Eddy, Jim met me in the doorway and had the oddest expression on his face. I asked him what was wrong. He said, “Your brother died.” I wasn’t sure I heard him correctly and asked him to repeat it. He did. He said that Mandy had sent an e-mail and the obituary. My brother had died two weeks ago on January 15th.

I sat down and read the obituary through…several times. I kept waiting for something. I felt nothing – just hollow. Some of you know about my brother, some of you may not. He was a sick, twisted man and had been sick for as long as I can remember although I am not referring to any physical ailment.

I had always thought I would feel an enormous sense of relief and freedom on the day I would hear about his death. I don’t. Neither do I feel sadness or loss. I don’t feel anything…almost as if I’m detached from this news. Maybe I am. I asked Jim, “Why don’t I feel anything?” His response was, “Maybe you don’t know what to feel.” He’s right.

My husband is a wise man…and very compassionate. He wants to comfort me. There’s nothing in me that needs comforting…not yet…maybe not ever. I don’t know. But my Father in heaven knows thanks to the work of the Holy Spirit. Romans 8:26 in the NIV says, “And the Holy Spirit helps us in our weakness. For example, we don't know what God wants us to pray for. But the Holy Spirit prays for us with groanings that cannot be expressed in words.” The NASB calls it a “groaning too deep for words”. I like that description. And that’s how I felt when Mom died a few years ago…a deeply profound grief that I couldn’t put in to words. But my brother? Not so much. So, I’m trusting that the Holy Spirit will help me in this weakness since I don’t know what to pray for and that He will utter the groanings that perhaps are buried somewhere deep in my spirit. I hope they’re there. Maybe tomorrow the feelings will come…