Priceless...

Friday was such a busy day for us. It started out that we discovered that neither one of our cameras would work. Our “good” camera has been acting up for about a month. The shutter would open just as it should but then it would immediately shut down again. We usually could coax it into operation after messing with it for awhile. Obviously, that wasn’t an ideal situation as it totally eliminated any impromptu photo ops. By Friday morning, it had totally quit operating. There was no use coaxing, pleading or demanding…the camera was shut up tight and refused to work…and no, it wasn’t a battery issue. It was a “You-might-as-well-quit-trying-because-I’m-not-going-to-work” issue.
Jim remembered that we had brought a cheap camera with us to use as a back-up and had it packed away downstairs. He had come across the camera when he was trying to find our program disks for our computers after they both pooped out on us. So, Jim made a second trip in to the storage closet and dug out the camera. He put new batteries in it and it wouldn’t work either.

I’m beginning to think that one of two things is happening here. Either our electronics are not fans of the tropics or one of Satan’s minions is doing everything he can to keep us from sharing with you what we are doing here. Either way, it’s been an extremely frustrating month as far as our electronics go. In spite of those frustrations, or maybe because of them, we have been so grateful to experience God’s hand of provision once again.
Knowing what we had planned for later in the day and knowing we wanted pictures, we made the decision to go buy a cheap digital camera to get us by until we are able to buy a better one while we’re home in the States. Almost two years in to living here in Nicaragua and I still can suffer sticker shock. There is no such thing as a “cheap” digital camera to be had in Managua…at least not that we found. We finally found a camera at the shopping mall at Metro Centro at La Curacao. This is a chain of small furniture, appliance and electronics stores and we decided to go in there almost as a last ditch kind of thing. We had already gone in to every other store in the mall that might possibly carry cameras. Most didn’t but the few that did were high dollar for mediocre quality.
We have bought other things there such as our mattress and Danelia’s sewing machine. When we walked in, the same salesgirl that helped us with Danelia’s machine, came to wait on us. She remembered us and even remembered what we had bought. We told her what we wanted and after looking at a couple of kind of pricey cameras, I asked her if there wasn’t anything cheaper. I explained why and she showed us the cheapest camera she had. We decided that if there was anything less expensive anywhere, we would probably spend the difference in gas and time just trying to track it down. So, we are now the proud owners of a little Vivitar point-and-shoot and we are back in the snapshot business once again!
Before we left to go home, we grabbed a quick lunch at the Food Court…a $5 special at Pizza Hut. Two pieces of pizza apiece and two sodas. That’s my kind of deal. We had our choice of ham (which is thinly sliced lunch meat type ham), pepperoni or Hawaiian. That’s all that’s offered there. Jim chose the pepperoni and I opted for the ham. I had a few more small squares of ham than Jim did with his 3 pepperoni slices on each piece but his slices were thicker than my ham. Using that as my gauge, I figured the Hawaiian pizza probably just had some pineapple juice drizzled across it. But even though the pizza pieces were somewhat meat-deprived, it was a cheap lunch and we had enough money left to buy two small macadamia cookies each for dessert! We just overlooked the fact that the $5.00 special actually was $5.93 thanks to a really lousy exchange rate but even so, it was still a cheap lunch!
After lunch, we hurried home to get things ready for what was to be a really fun day with the kids at CINAFE. It was our first “Project Day” with them. The plan is that every Friday afternoon, we are going to try to do something fun or crafty with the kids. It may be something as simple as just playing games with them, like Jenga or such or something more involved like building planters, which we did Friday. Most of the time, it will probably be something in between the two.
I had planned on having the six older girls in my group and we were going to do a craft. I had everything ready for them to make a mosaic-look foam cross with glittered colored pieces of foam when Jim and I decided to go ahead and have the older girls with the younger kids so that we would go through each step of building the boxes just one time.
Jim had bought all the wood earlier in the week, had it cut to size and then he pre-drilled all the holes so that it would be easier for the kids to nail the pieces together. He purchased enough so that each of the three casitas would have its own planter. The wood is a very rough cut pine which was all that was available and it wasn’t yet completely dried which made the wood even heavier than it would have been otherwise. Even though it's a lesser quality, it's more expensive than wood we could buy in the States. I’m not sure how these 1’ x 4’ planter boxes are going to look to anyone else by this time next year, but I’m sure all of us will think they’re absolutely beautiful!
Jim got the paintbrushes and had our neighborhood paint store mix up the paint for us - 2 quarts of each color – white, green, yellow, red and blue. Even though oil-based paint would hold up better, we opted for water-based paint since it was going to be used by the kids and we figured the clean-up operation might be extensive…it was!
When we got to the center, some of the kids were already outside playing. Jim and Miguel (aka Chavez – he’s one of the security guards) began to unload the wood. We brought our hammer and borrowed two of the center’s. Of course, all the activity drew the kids like magnets. When they realized they were going to be building planters, they were so excited.
Jim placed the pieces for each planter in to three different piles and the kids immediately divided up in to their groups and each group claimed a stack of boards. Each group received their hammer and a handful of nails. Jim took the group of kids, ages 10 and 11, known as the Delfines – the Dolphins. Their casita has a dolphin painted on the front of it. Miguel took the youngest group of kids, ages 6 through 9, known as the Arco Iris – the Rainbow. Chipita took her group of girls. She is one of the housemothers of the oldest group of girls, ages 12 through 15. They are known as the Estrellas or the Stars. I personally think the name fits. Those girls are all shining stars in my book.
Jim reviewed a few safety rules with the kids and then before he was even able to hit his first nail, the kids in the other groups were filling the air with the sound of hammering. They had a ball. The planters are heavy but the kids managed to wrestle them around and get all their nails in. It didn’t take long for them to learn that if they didn’t hit the nails squarely on the head, then they would bend and it would add not only to their effort to straighten them out but also to their time in getting their boxes completed. I think there was some competition going on there!
When the kids finished the construction of their boxes, Jim then brought out two of our old shower curtains and some large black trash bags. We put them under the boxes and then it was time to paint. Even though we had told Oliver, the on-site doctor, that the kids would need to wear old clothes, we decided to bring a box of the trash bags with us. I cut a neck hole and two arm holes in one and slipped it over Reina's head. Of course, almost all the kids decided they needed one and with only one pair of sharp scissors on site, quality gave way to expediency. The idea was that the kids would slip them over their clothes and that it would protect their clothes from the paint. That was the idea. And for the most part, they served their purpose. But a child intent on making full body contact with white paint is going to get the job done.
Jim had not anticipated the fact that the kids would all want to paint on their boxes at the same time so they were forced to take turns. This was a source of frustration for several of the children but it was also a good lesson in sharing and taking turns. And everyone had their opportunity. Some voluntarily gave up their brushes while others had to be gently reminded that it was time to pass their brush on. Even little 2 year old Belen wanted in on the action!
By the time they finished with their umpteenth coat of white paint on the boxes, it was time for us to clean up and go. We told the kids the boxes needed to be completely dry before they could paint their designs on them so they will complete them next Friday. Some want to paint flowers, some want animals, some just want to get in to that colored paint! All seem to be excited about their project.
We also plan on having dirt, plants and seeds available next Friday. Jim and Oliver are going to go buy the seeds and soil on Tuesday and after the kids have painted their boxes, we’ll have them plant them. We’re going to do some flowers and a vegetable or two in each box and talk about how God’s Word grows in us when we properly prepare the “soil” of our hearts. This is going to be one of our on-going object lessons about growing our faith. We’re hoping they will take care of the plants while we’re in the States but if they don’t, there will be a good lesson there, as well. If we don’t nurture our faith, feeding it from God’s Word on a regular basis, it can dry up and die. So, whatever we find when we get back, I know God will help us use it in working with the children.
The kids were terrific. For the most part, they all worked well together. They took turns, they encouraged one another and they had fun doing it. Even the adults had to occasionally join in on the fun. There was a lot of laughter and a countless number of smiles. Each time one of us would praise the kids for the great job they were doing, those smiles would grow even wider.

I thought about how we all love to hear words of praise…our hearts long for affirmation. It's such an easy thing to give and yet it seems to be something that is so lacking. Maybe if we each were more intentional in the giving of it, we might surprised at how much of it we would receive in return.

I was glad I was the project photographer as I had the opportunity to give that praise to each one of the kids. I was also able to observe them and how they reacted to their various challenges like learning a new skill, taking instruction, exercising self-restraint, sharing, assisting, encouraging…they were wonderful!
One of the things that touched me the most is when we were cleaning up. Unbeknownst to us, Aida, one of the older girls, had cleaned her group’s brushes of paint. Aida is one of the girls I’ve been spending some time with. I’m never sure what kind of mood I’m going to find her in. All teen-age girls can be moody – that’s no secret. But these girls have so much negative history that they have to overcome that their moodiness has an added dimension to it.
Aida and I often work on her English homework together and she had me help her with her math the other day. She obviously doesn’t know that math is not one of my best subjects. But thankfully, she’s still at a level where I understand what she’s doing!
When Aida handed the cleaned brushes to me, I was shocked. We hadn’t asked the kids to clean their brushes as we were more concerned with them cleaning themselves! Jim and I had just planned on taking the paint laden brushes home with us and cleaning them ourselves. My surprise and pleasure were evident and Aida smiled the most beautiful smile when I thanked her for doing that. She told me I was welcome and then quickly hurried off.
Just as we were loading the last of our items in the car, Aida came back with the remaining 4 brushes. She had gone and collected them from the other kids and had scrubbed them spotless! I was even more surprised and pleased the second time. I called Jim’s name and showed him what Aida had done. He thanked her and told her what a great job she had done. I was so glad…the bristles on the brushes went every which way but Jim acted like it was perfect. And you know what? It was! I think that was Aida's way to thank us for providing the planters for them. I put my arm around her, gave her a quick hug and thanked her again. I felt her stiffen a little but I didn’t act like I noticed. We finished loading the car and then told everyone good-bye. I'm pretty sure we’re all looking forward to next Friday.
When we got home, Jim put the pictures on the computer so I could see how they looked. The new camera does what it’s supposed to do. The pictures of the kids working on their planter boxes are fine. I only wish it could have captured their laughter and the sparkle in their eyes. That’s what made it so much fun for us. To mimic a popular television commercial: Digital camera - $100. Lunch special - $5. The children’s joy – priceless. It was a good day.

Market madness...

Last weekend, I was accused of being more Nica than American. Now, it doesn’t take a rocket scientist to see that there is nothing about me that appears to be Nicaraguan. Nica women are petite yet strong. I am anything but petite and it’s been so long since I’ve had any semblance of muscular strength that lifting anything much heavier than 25# just about does me in these days. Nica women are patient and they have such a wonderful natural beauty to them. Me? Patience is that fruit that, all too often, I apparently spit out and as far as the second attribute, I consider it a public service for me not to go out in public without makeup. So, to have someone tell me that I’m now a “Nica” came as a bit of a surprise…and, whether it was meant as a compliment or not, I took it as such.
I received this compliment after telling Miguel about my experience at the market last week. We’ve been going to the Mercado Israel Lewites every Saturday morning to buy the fruits and vegetables that we take to Kenneth and his family (and occasionally, to Miguel and Elizabeth and to Miguel’s mother). This market is also known as the Boer. Prices are cheaper there than at the grocery store and we like supporting “mom and pop” type businesses. Those types of businesses remain near and dear to our hearts and I suppose they always will.
Shopping at the market is definitely an experience. I remember I was so intimidated by it in the beginning and I still am wary of my purse, keeping it cross body and in front of me at all times. Jim also pays close attention to his belongings. Before we even get to the market, I put my money in a place that’s easily accessible to me and hopefully, not to others, so that I don’t have to have my change bag opened up for all to see.
The market is a fun place but it’s also a place of opportunists. There is always someone waiting to help lighten your load by taking your bag, camera, billfold, whatever. Obviously, it pays to be aware of your surroundings there. But, maybe that little bit of edginess adds to the “fun” of going to the market. It’s always crowded and just trying to drive through the narrow, congested street that leads in to the market parking area is a feat of bravery, lunacy and determination. It’s another place where I’m glad Jim always does the driving…I think I would turn in to someone akin to a New York taxi driver there!
The vendors at the Boer are extremely pushy in trying to sell their wares and in the interior part of the market, they are even more aggressive, often grabbing your arm as you walk by in an attempt to get you to stop. I am much better about shopping there now and will pull my arm away without stopping, but I still don’t like to be grabbed. You would think by now that I would have learned that there is no personal space here in Nicaragua yet I still consider my chubby little arm as off-limits to strangers.
On our first visit there, I had asked the names of the people who have the produce stand where we had chosen to shop. I told them why we were buying all the fruits and veggies and that if we were able to buy our produce at a good price, we would buy from their stand every Saturday. I made sure they understood we live here and that we were going to be someone’s regular customers. Because it was a large purchase, we got great service and lots of “freebies” which we passed on to the families in Tipitapa.
Natalie made me her customer from the very beginning. She is a beautiful young girl and I’m not sure of her relationship with Gloria and Juan Pablo, who appear to own the stand. She makes sure that she picks out the best or the biggest of whatever it is that I tell her I want. She knows that I want nutritious and good quality fruits and veggies but she also knows that I am not willing to pay inflated prices just because I’m a gringa. She knows that beyond a shadow of a doubt now.
Two weeks ago, I asked Natalie the prices of each item that I “ordered” and jotted them down on my grocery list. I was talking with Juan Pablo when Gloria wrote up my ticket so I didn’t get to hear any of the conversation between Gloria and Natalie. When Gloria gave me my total, I thought it was higher than it should have been but because I was adding things up in my head, I assumed I must have just mis-figured. I thought about checking the list then but because we were running late, I let that just be a passing thought. I should have let it take root and grow in to action.
Jim told me in the car on the way to Tipitapa that he thought Gloria had given us a discount as he thought he heard her say something to Natalie about “mas barato” which means cheaper. I smiled and told him I thought they really wanted to make sure that we continued to buy from them. I was curious how much of a discount she had given us as I had thought the total was kind of high so I pulled out my receipt from her and compared it to my list with the prices and found just the opposite. Gloria had charged me more on just about every item I had purchased! And then, to add insult to injury, when I re-added her ticket, I realized that she had increased the amount in each of her three sum-total columns so that she padded the bill even more. I was furious!!!
I fumed about that all the way to Tipitapa. I realized then that what Jim had heard as “mas barato” (cheaper) from Gloria was actually, “demasiado barato” which means too cheap. Apparently, she took it upon herself to change the prices and then, to give me higher prices still as the sub-totals for me to add for her on my calculator. I knew that I couldn’t do anything about it then but because it was obviously intentional, I was determined to address it with Natalie the following Saturday. Which I did.
Thank goodness, there was a long week between the point of my discovery and the point of our discussion. It gave me time to not only cool down but to also pray that I would know how to handle the situation correctly. We could have opted to just not go back there and although that would have been easier than having to confront the situation, in this case, the easy thing wouldn’t have been the right thing.
So, when we pulled in Saturday morning, the parking lot was already full but we were able to find a place right in front of the fruit stand. I was a little nervous about talking to Natalie. As we got out of the car, Natalie walked out to meet us. I greeted her and then as we walked toward the stand, I told her that I had a problem from the week before. She immediately shifted her gaze elsewhere. I quit walking so that she would have to decide to either face me or walk away from me. She chose to face me.

God was so good to allow us to have our conversation in relative privacy. Which was a miracle in itself...the market is always busy, but at the time I spoke to Natalie and during much of my shopping, their booth was almost empty. I was so thankful for that show of grace as my intent was not to embarrass or draw attention to the situation. My intent was to address a situation of inflating prices and to ensure that it didn't happen again.
I told her that she had told me the prices for each fruit and vegetable and that I had written them down and then I asked her if she remembered me doing that. She said yes but she still wouldn’t look at me. I then told her that Gloria had changed the prices on the receipt and that she had charged me more money than what I was told. Natalie only nodded her head. I did not raise my voice but I was firm and I told her that was not acceptable. I told her that we were Christians and because we were Christians, we were honest with them and that we expected to be treated honestly. I told her I wanted to buy my produce from them but there were lots of other vendors at the market and I would find another one if I could not have confidence in them and trust them to be truthful with us as their customers. I told her that I didn’t know if she was the one to change the prices or if it was Gloria, but that it was not to be tried again or I would not buy anything from them that day or in the future. I then asked her if she understood and she said yes. And we began our business just like nothing had happened.
I have learned what is considered a good price and what isn’t and in no way, do I want to deprive these folks from earning a living. But neither do I want to contribute to the mindset that it’s okay to take advantage of a gringo just because they’re a gringo. There are people who love to do that kind of bargaining – I’m not one of them. I feel that for the most part, a price is a price and I can either afford it or I can’t. But, I’m learning that the market vendors play by different rules. So, what was once uncomfortable for me to do with negotiating prices, I don’t hesitate to do now if I think the price is inflated. It has certainly helped having a background many years ago in the grocery business. I may not remember where I put my purse but I can tell you exactly what I paid for pineapple two weeks ago.
Natalie continued to help me with my purchases. Occasionally, when I would question the quality or the price of something, she would either give me a few extra pieces or drop the price by a cord per pound or item. Never do I ask her to do this and she doesn’t do it on every item but she knows, I am becoming much wiser about market shopping. I would like to think that she was thinking that she needed to conduct business in an honest manner because that’s what Christ calls her to do but the truth of it is, it was probably because she knows we are “big spenders” for them and she doesn’t want to lose our business. Not many people buy the quantity of produce that we do at one time.
About halfway through our shopping, I asked Natalie if they had any guyaba (guava). She told me that they didn’t, but the lady in the “store” next door did (this is an open air market so there are no walls, only stands) and Gloria, who heard us, immediately went and got some. I asked how much they were, as I was again recording prices, and Gloria gave me a price. I thought it was way too high, so I told her that it was too much money and I didn’t want them. She told me that the price wasn’t high, that it was cheap and she began to bag them up for me. I, again, told her no. She again told me that was a good price and I wouldn’t find them any cheaper. I turned to walk away when I realized she had bagged the guyaba and was following me with them. I turned to her and in a very firm and no-nonsense tone of voice, told her I would not pay that much for those guyaba and she could give them back to the other shopkeeper. Gloria hesitated only for a second and dropped the price to half what she had just quoted not even a minute earlier. That price was a fair price. I bought six…and I think I saw a twinkle in Natalie’s eye!
We finished our shopping and once again, Juan Pablo wanted to talk to me. The light bulb went on and I realized that it wasn’t because of my masterful Spanish (not!) or my interesting point of view on world politics…it was because he wanted to distract me from Gloria writing my ticket! I excused myself and smiled at Natalie as I wedged myself between her and Gloria. As Natalie named off each item and gave Gloria the price, I made it obvious I was double checking the price and checking it off my list.
When it came time to add up the ticket, I used my calculator and got my figure and then waited for Gloria to give me hers. Funny how they matched this time. Nothing was said between Gloria and me regarding last week but I’m sure that Natalie had passed my message on. Gloria thanked us for our business and gave us a wrinkled little papaya as a gift.
Natalie and a young muchacho who is somehow connected to them, helped us carry the bags to the car. I thanked Natalie for her help with everything and told her I would see her next Saturday. She didn’t say anything and hurried back to the stand. As I was getting in to the car, she came running up with two bananas and told us that was her gift to us. I thanked her again and we each smiled at the other as we said good-bye.
The young boy asked if we would be back next Saturday. Evidently, whatever Natalie told Gloria, he had heard. I told him we would and then we gave him 10 cordobas for helping us carry our bags. He grinned from ear to ear. Jim paid our parking guard his 10 cordobas for watching our car and off we went.
As we drove to Tipitapa, Jim told me he was proud of me. He knew how hard that was for me to actually confront Natalie. It is one thing for me to rant and rave in the car but it’s something entirely different for me to have to confront someone with something like that. I think the thing that made it easier for me was that I felt like it was an opportunity for me to begin to share my faith with Natalie.
But I would be less than honest if I neglected to tell you that I left the market last weekend feeling a little bit empowered and I liked that feeling. I had confronted not only a situation that was not right but I also confronted my own fear of making someone displeased with me. I also stood my ground and refused to be bullied in to buying something at a price I didn’t want to pay. I wish I could say that has never happened here but it has. There have been instances that we have paid more than we should have or bought something we really didn’t want simply because we didn’t want to say “no” to someone and risk offending them. In order to be a good steward, sometimes “no” is in order…and some “no’s” need to be firmer than others.
When I shared all this with Miguel, he began to tease me and told me that I was just like a Nica because I was arguing prices at the market. I started to protest that I wasn’t arguing at the market but Miguel wouldn’t hear of it. He was having too much fun getting mileage out of my newly-discovered market-backbone and told me again that I was now, a Nica woman. The funny thing is that he said it with such pride, almost like he was personally responsible for this turn of events. You know…there may be a nugget of truth to that charge of Miguel’s because I really am looking forward to our trip to the market in the morning. I better end this…I have fruit and veggie prices to review!

The open door...

I realized when I received my Sunday school’s prayer list for this week that I missed posting one of my blogs and it’s an important one! Instead of posting all news and revising it all, I decided to just go ahead and start anew.
We have had so many changes take place in the last few weeks. They have been a good reminder for us not to become too attached to the things of this world. Of course, that encompasses so many things but in our case, I’m speaking not only about laptops and data but also, specific areas of ministry.
The first two you know about, but evidently, I’ve neglected to make our changes public knowledge. We have shared this with Mandy and to those in the church to whom we have asked to hold us accountable but in the midst of trying to make a smooth transition between our previous work and our newest opportunity, I somehow forgot to tell everyone else! I could claim computer problems which would be true in part, but as much as I would like for Dell to take the blame for everything from my forgetfulness to global warming, I just can’t nail them for all things problematic.
Before we go any further, I probably should clarify that the above comment about global warming is not meant to stir controversy…it’s just that right now, I believe it is real but in regards to our pequeña pieza of real estate right here on this side of Managua…the temp right now is 97 degrees and the heat index is supposed to be 107 degrees. I don’t know if it’s accurate or not…I know it’s HOT! So, our little part of the globe is definitely warming!
Two weeks ago, we thought we would be teaching at Los Cedros again this year. We had our first day of school and I was so excited to see the kids again…and they seemed to be just as excited to see us. The hugs and kisses just about knocked me off my feet more than once and I mean that literally! They are extremely demonstrative with me. And I had missed those mile wide smiles and hugs so much the last few months. So, as happy as I was to see the children, I was also saddened to find out that some of them had not returned.
Jim and I had been praying for some time about whether we were to return to Los Cedros or not. We both felt God was leading us in a different direction but since no one else had come forward to take our positions there, even after we made that opportunity very clear, we felt like it was something we needed to do.
Our time with the kids that day was so good. I was so encouraged to hear them speak in English. Many of the students were able to have a very basic conversation with me and most of them remembered their colors, numbers, anatomy and vocabulary in English. I couldn’t have been more pleased! What a gift God gave me in my time with them. None of us knew that would be my last day there serving as their English teacher.
I truly have come to love those kids so much…a year ago, I would never have imagined that I would be saying something like that! It was a rough start. This past year has been quite a journey to Los Cedros and back.
It would serve no purpose for me to go into detail regarding the whys behind our decision to leave the school but I do want you to know that I believe God was in control of every bit of it. By the end of the school day, Jim and I knew without a doubt, that God had a different plan for us and that if we were to stay at Los Cedros, we would be disobedient.
It was a hard decision to make only in regards to the children. They have firmly planted themselves in my heart but I have to realize and accept the fact that God can take better care of those children than I can. My selfish hope is that they will somehow know that I love them, believe in them and am going to miss them so much…and that our decision to leave had nothing to do with them. In retrospect, I can clearly see that God wanted us to be free from that obligation in order for us to be able to devote our time and energies in serving Him in a new venue.
One of our most frequent prayers is that God will always make His direction clear to us and that He will close the doors that need to be closed and open the ones that need to be opened. He has been so faithful to do that and the clarity of that seems to come when we take the step of faith to do what we believe He is calling us to do…regardless of how upsetting it might be at the time. When God compels us to make a move, I believe He also propels us and it’s in a “forward” motion in order to serve His purposes. It is a benefit to us that such changes also draw us closer to Him.
I remember hearing Charles Stanley say something some years back that I have thought about so many times since – this isn’t word for word but it was something like…Don’t settle for something that seems good and end up missing God’s best. God reminded me of the wisdom of that once again.
So, what’s the new door that God has opened up for us? We have begun to serve in various ways at CINAFE which stands for Centro Integral de los Ninos y Adolescencia Fortaleza de Esperanza or as best as I know how to translate it is as Fortress of Hope (a) Comprehensive Center for Children and Adolescents. It is also known as Fortress of Hope and is referred to by many here as an orphanage but it fulfills a larger role than that.
There are currently 15 children who live there - 13 girls, from ages 2 to15 (soon to be 16) and two boys, ages 7 and 11. It is not necessary that you know what these children have suffered but it is enough that you know that they have and it has been so much in their short lives. Their stories break my heart and their resilience astounds me. They have been placed at CINAFE by what would be the equivalent of the government’s Family Services department. The children are there for their own protection. And thanks to the people who began CINAFE and those who are integral in its operation, the children are also receiving healing – physical, emotional and most importantly, spiritual. They are now in a safe and healthy environment where they are given an opportunity to come to know Jesus Christ as their Lord and Savior. It’s a wonderful place and it’s an exciting time for us to become involved there…we believe it’s the Lord’s timing.
The facility was once a small hotel and it has proved to be a perfect layout for this purpose. The children are divided by ages and share a little “casita”. This is basically where they live and they have two different housemothers who live there with them on alternating days. There is another casita that is used as a kitchen/dining room and another is where the children go for counseling and tutoring. Another is used as a clinic and it is shared with the CINAFE accountant. The acting director has her office in another casita and there’s also one that is used as a house for additional staff to stay if they’re there overnight. Dwane and Karen Schlabach, who live in Ohio and are the folks who make sure CINAFE is operating as it should, also have one of the casitas that they use when here. There is an on-site physician and psychologist and 24 hour security as well as the rest of the staff. They all seem to be doing an amazing job at taking care of these children.
Last week was our first week working with the children. We spent three afternoons there assisting those kids who wanted help with their English homework and just getting to know them a little bit. It’s not a quick process. These are children with trust issues and understandably so. We want to proceed slowly so that we not only gain the children’s trust but even more so, that we earn it.
Jim is thoroughly enjoying being one of the kids! They are quick to come get him to shoot baskets or play kickball. “Fun” is the same in any language. I only hope they don’t break him! I’ve seen him slip and slide a few times and his “outside” isn’t as young as his “inside”!
Friday afternoon, after we finished homework, I had the opportunity to sit and visit with one of the girls. She has a very hard edge to her and so it surprised me that when given the opportunity to go play with the other kids, she opted to sit with me. We looked at a Latino fashion magazine together, with the two of us often taking opposite views of what was pretty and what wasn’t.
Her favorite word is “Liar”…she uses it when teasing and she uses it, I’m sure, when she really does have doubts about someone’s sincerity. I began thinking that is probably something she has heard for much of her life…lies. And knowing a little about her background, I understand why that’s what she immediately verbalizes when she is uncertain about whatever it is she’s hearing.
In the course of our conversation, she called me “Liar” several times. I know it was just something she was saying but I gently told her that was a word I didn’t like and because I was a Christian, that it was important to me that I tell the truth. I also told her that sometimes the truth isn’t something we like to hear but I would rather here the truth than a lie. It surprised me that her face softened and she very solemnly nodded her head in agreement. It was a split second moment where I thought maybe I might have made a little progress with her and then it was over. But it was a start.
This week, we began becoming more intentional in our time there and actually came up with a schedule of activities we will be doing there. On Sunday afternoons, I have the six older girls for Bible study. Our first time together went well and I’m already looking forward to next Sunday. We are doing a brief 3 week overview of the Fruit of the Spirit. I quickly realized after our first lesson that the lessons need to be simple and easily understood. The girls are very smart but all are behind in their schooling due to their previous home situations. They did great with the lesson and they loved coloring a picture…much like younger kids would enjoy. That’s fine with me…I love that kind of stuff, too!
Tuesday and Thursday mornings, I’m teaching a beginning English class to those staff members who are interested. We had our first class this morning with 11 in attendance and we had a great time laughing and learning. When it was time for the class to end, they asked if we could go a little longer so we did. It’s nice to have that kind of flexibility. I also gave them a mini Bible study to do at their leisure and told them that I would give them one each week. At some point, maybe we’ll be able to meet to have a group study.
Friday afternoon is our project time. Jim will meet with the younger kids to build window boxes and I will have the six older girls again. We are going to make mosaic crosses from craft foam and use them as an object lesson of how Jesus can put the broken pieces of our lives together and make something beautiful out of them.
We plan on going over there in the afternoon tomorrow and maybe Thursday afternoon to help them with their English homework. That’s such a good, non-threatening way to get to know the kids a little bit better and we really enjoy our time with them. They’re good kids and we know that God has something special for each one of them.
We will continue with our classes in Tipitapa on Saturdays. This makes for a full week when you add in the time we spend on preparation for each one of the classes, whether they are Bible study or English, for children or adults…we feel each one of them needs our best efforts and that takes time.
It’s funny…somehow I worried about what we would “do” when we left Los Cedros. If I was listening more carefully, I think I would have heard the CINAFE door opening as He closed the door to Los Cedros. I’m sure we’ll have plenty to do.

Revolving door...

Well, folks…it’s been rough here lately…but not as rough as it could have been, I know. We have a roof over our heads, our car is still running and we haven’t missed any meals…as a matter of fact, I have obviously had more than my share. Old habits die hard…
It’s been a few weeks since I’ve been able to get a blog written. Every time I would begin one, either something interrupted me, I would have to quit to go somewhere or the computer would shut down. I have an opportunity to try again and barring any unforeseen circumstances, this blog will be a long one. I’ve a lot to say…but that’s not new, is it?
We have continued to have computer problems. Two weeks after my laptop’s hard drive crashed, Jim’s refurb “gave up the ghost”. We had been using Dell DataSafe to backup all our info online just in case something like that happened as we knew his laptop was on its last leg. And, because it was so important to us, we opted to buy the upgraded backup plan. Are you sensing a red light blinking here yet? Wish we would have seen it. Anyway, Jim had been really good about loading all our pictures on both computers so we fully expected our photos and our recently saved files to be safe with our Dell DataSafe. After all, isn’t that what the name itself claims will happen?
We then asked Susanna if we could periodically use her laptop to check our e-mail and she was very gracious in letting us do so. We wanted to be able to let our family and the church know why we would be incommunicado for awhile. Folks are really good to check on us when they’ve not heard from us in a timely manner and it’s something we appreciate so much. We didn’t want to cause undue worry or for someone to think we were ignoring them.
Losing the backup computer was so frustrating but we knew that we would be returning to the States in a few short weeks and would be able to pick up our new laptop – thanks to a friend’s extremely generous donation. We were going to download our Dell DataSafe files to that computer at that time. It wasn’t an ideal situation but we figured it was what it was and we would get by checking our e-mail every few days on Susanna’s computer.
Before the refurb bit the dust, we had taken our old hard drive from my laptop to a man who teaches at the Nicaraguan Christian Academy here who is supposed to be very good at retrieving info off of crashed hard drives. He kept ours for a week but was unable to retrieve any of my info. He said our only option would be to hire a company in the U.S. who specializes in info retrieval which is a costly and lengthy process. That’s when we became even more diligent to do our backups to Dell DataSafe every day.
Jim remembered that he had stored our computer programming disks downstairs in a box of “stuff” so he went down, dug the box out of the storage closet and found our operating system disc. He wasn’t sure if it would load on the refurb as he didn’t exactly know what the problem was with his computer but he figured it was worth a try. After three attempts, he was finally able to reinstall Windows from it but it still wasn’t working as it should and so, we didn’t have everything on it that we should have. But it got us up and running.
He then tried to download our files from Dell DataSafe (from now on, I’ll refer to this as DDS – which is interchangeable with Doesn’t Do Squat) so that I could at least have the info I had been storing since our first laptop quit…but DDS wouldn’t load. He tried several times but to no avail. I figured it was because the refurb was just not up to it. To the computer saavy, that doesn’t even make sense. I was trying to come up with some reason why it was being so contrary. Something that should be noted is that at this point, I was still maintaining a fairly reasonable level of cool regarding the computer issues. It was probably because we had come up with another plan!
We have a friend of ours here who was expecting his brother for a visit. His brother lives in Seattle and we were able to get Dell to send a new hard drive to his house for us and he brought it down here to us this past Thursday. The plan was that we would send our old hard drive back to Dell and install the new one. Once the new one was installed, we would then be able to download our supposedly stored files from DDS. Now there was a clue in that last sentence…did you catch it? The word “supposedly”…. h-m-m-m, now what do you suppose that means?
Exactly. DDS wouldn’t download in the new system either! The fault didn’t lie in the refurb being finicky…the fault was with DDS! Jim got hold of Dell Tech Support again. If Skype had speed dial, I think they would be on ours. Now there was a new fly in the ointment. DDS doesn’t have its own specific help desk so all problems (which we have found out through our own research is a great number) go through their regular Tech Support.
I don’t know how many hours Jim has spent with them on this computer thing but I know it’s about a jillion more than I would have. And the result has been the same. Dell can’t explain why all the files didn’t download and now, they have no record of them…although they were there before! Again, I have to stress that after I did a lot of reading regarding problems with DDS, this is not an unusual occurrence for them to lose data.
When I found out that we had once again, lost our computer info, I was sick. But I didn’t get angry until I found out that they lost all our photos with the exception of just a few which were basically pretty irrelevant when compared to all those we had stored. Usually when I get to that point of spewing, I just do it to Jim and once I’ve let off all my steam, I’m much better. This morning, I opted for another route. I went to Dell’s website and gleefully tagged the Feedback button. Boy, did I have Feedback!
It always kind of takes me by surprise how quickly the Holy Spirit wrestles me down to the ground. I was firing off an e-mail that made it painfully clear exactly how I felt about Dell and DDS when the Holy Spirit intervened and made me sit back and cool down. I still sent my Feedback but it was definitely revised. Not that it was venomous or ugly before but if someday, I am ever to meet anyone who would have read that Feedback, I want them to know that I expressed disappointment and frustration with their products but did not attack their character. Just one of numerous times the Holy Spirit helps me take a moment to regroup and reassess…I wonder if I will ever be able to do that without those Heavenly Hands restraining my tongue…whether it’s in my mouth or through my keyboard.
So, that’s been the computer issues we’ve been fussing with lately. “What else?” you may ask. Well, the computer problems should be sufficient testing but I guess not ‘cause then there’s the camera. It seems like anything “electronic” has become our nemesis these days. So we’ve added that to our need-to-replace list while Stateside. Maybe if we get a good camera and a reliable laptop, we’ll be back in business once again! Taking pictures and writing “stories” of our adventures here are two of my favorite pastimes so I’m looking forward to better days ahead! There’s always so much to tell – some of it big stuff and some of it may seem of the more mundane variety but in my mind, there’s never a boring day!
For example, take today for instance. We missed church this morning. This is not something we like to do nor is it something we make a practice of doing and what made it even more frustrating for me was this morning was a sermon I was really looking forward to hearing. Our church is without a regular pastor right now and so we’ve had different men stepping in to fill the pulpit. This morning’s teaching was by a gentleman whom we’ve heard several times before. He has done some of the best preaching and given some of the best teaching I believe I’ve ever heard and he always makes me think about his sermon. So, why did we miss this morning? You seem to be full of questions tonight….
We missed church this morning because neither one of us got much sleep at all last night. So when it was time for us to get up, which normally is not an issue for either of us, we overslept. And the reason we didn’t get much sleep last night was because our guard seemed to be sleeping very well! Again. Which was kind of like one of those “déjà vu” moments…we’ve been here before.
See, five weeks ago we had to fire our night guard. And tonight, we had to fire our night guard. It’s beginning to feel like we have a revolving door on that position. I had high hopes for Eddy but my aspirations for him were evidently higher than his were for himself.
In the short time that we’ve had him, he has lied to us about his money being stolen. He should never have bragged about that to Freddy and Felix because they are very loyal to us (I hope so, anyway) and they passed that info on to us. We opted not to say something to him about that because he did not ask us to replace his wages, we volunteered. We believed that was something we were to do and we have left that course of discipline up to God.
Eddy also lied to us about being several hours late one night for work. He had told us he realized when he was on his way to work that he had left his keys at home and had to go back to get them. The real story was that he was in Jinotepe with his girlfriend and just didn’t come home when he was supposed to in order to get to work on time.
Again, he should never have bragged about that to Freddy and Felix because…see above. Felix happened to set us straight the same morning after Jim had to wake Eddy up the night before. We had been suspecting that he was sleeping and Jim had confirmed it when he found him racked out on the floor in the guard room.
We decided it was time to review with Eddy our expectations. I wrote everything out and translated it into Spanish and when he came to work that night, we had a nice long chat. He was advised that he was receiving a warning and that he needed to make some decisions regarding his future employment with us.
Eddy works during the day as a gardener once or twice a week for both of our neighbors. It seems he also works as a gardener for someone close to our old neighborhood. We applaud his ambition but we felt like his other jobs were interfering with his need for sleep during the day. We explained that to him and he said he wouldn’t sleep again. Jim made it perfectly clear that he was only to go in to the guard room at night to use the restroom and that he could not effectively guard our property if he was asleep on the floor.
Even though I didn’t directly address the situation with him lying about being late for work, I did hammer home that honesty in our employees was a priority with us. To his credit, he did tell us that he had lied to us and that he had been with his girlfriend and that he was sorry. He didn’t say anything about the money issue. Whether the confession was true or not, I don’t know, but I’m sure he thought it must have sounded like a much lesser offense when he added that he had been to a church function with his girlfriend. He brought that up several times as though that somehow negated the lie he told. I realized then that he was still not completely on board about the honesty factor.
There were a few other small things but nothing major until last night. Xander woke us up about 1:30 this morning needing to go out. Now that I think about it, the last time he did that was the time when Jim found Eddy asleep. Smart dog.
Anyway, when Jim turned the porch light on to take Xander out, the night guard next door began blowing his whistle. We realized a little later that was an attempt to warn Eddy that he needed to be up and awake. Jim was outside with the dog for almost 20 minutes or so and he had not seen any sign of Eddy. He went downstairs to the guard room and as he walked by the window, he heard snoring! Not a good sign. Jim opened the door and Eddy woke up and jumped to his feet.
Of course, there was the usual exchange of Jim telling Eddy he was asleep and that was not acceptable. Eddy claimed he was not asleep but had gone in to the guard room to use his cell phone. That argument didn’t make a lick of sense. If anything, he would need to go outside to use his cell phone. Seeing that Jim wasn’t buying that story, he then said he had a stomachache so he decided to go in to the guard room to rest…in the dark…on the floor…snoring. I guess somehow all those things made him feel better. Puh-lease!
Jim and I discussed what we were going to do about Eddy at 2:30 this morning when neither one of us could get back to sleep. With us going to be in the States for 3 weeks, neither of us felt comfortable that we could trust Eddy to stay awake and we didn’t feel that we could afford to pay him to sleep. So the decision was made that we were going to terminate Eddy. Neither one of us fell asleep for several more hours.
Ideally, we would have terminated Eddy this morning before he left but we finally had fallen asleep and didn’t wake up in time to do that. Nor did we wake up in time to make it to church. We slept until 7:45 and even so, it didn’t feel like we had slept at all.
This morning, Eddy stopped by Felix’s house on his way home and told him that Jim thought he was sleeping last night but that he had gotten cold and then his stomach was hurting so he went in to the guard room. He failed to tell Felix the part about Jim having to wake him up. Eddy said that we had told him the other night that he was going to need to make a decision and so he was going to do that and that he would work tonight for us but then after that, he was going to quit. We realized he was going to work tonight as it’s his pay night.
When Eddy came to work tonight he was a little late. Jim met him with his pay and his severance pay and basically told him that because of last night, we felt it would be better if he found a day job and that we wouldn’t be needing him anymore. Jim said that he thinks maybe Eddy had reconsidered from the time he had spoken with Felix this morning because he began to argue tonight that he wasn’t sleeping, almost in hopes that we would reconsider. When Jim reminded him that he had heard him snoring, he became pretty quiet, took his money, signed his paperwork and Jim sent him on his way. Tonight, we’re guard-free.
I don’t know how Eddy is feeling tonight. Jim and I are fine. Xander is sad…he liked being outside at night with Eddy. He will be missed. He was a lousy night guard but he was a great dog-sitter.
Now here’s the best part of the whole story. If you have been with us for some time, you may remember that we had a night guard here whose name was also Felix. Let’s call him Felix #2 to help eliminate confusion about which Felix to whom I’m referring. Felix #2 did a good job for us but said he needed more money as he has a large family. And it’s getting larger as one of his daughters is now pregnant. He also complained about the distance from his house to ours. That was a legitimate complaint…it is a long way from his place to ours.
Felix #2 lives out in the country in the neighborhood where Margarita lives. The distance isn’t that big of a deal for Margarita as she can take a tuk-tuk (a taxista) to the main road (which is quite a distance)and then catch the bus to our road. But it’s different for Felix #2 as his work schedule as a night guard doesn’t coincide with the schedules for the taxistas or the buses. That’s why he always rode his bicycle…which he didn’t like doing at night as it can be dangerous plus it’s a really long ride for him and the icing on the cake for him was that we live at the top of a pretty steep hill...it’s a lot of work peddling up that baby.
We were surprised early last Sunday morning to find Felix #2 at our gate after Eddy had left and before Felix #1 had arrived. It seems that Felix #1 had told Margarita about the problems we were having with Eddy. Margarita knew that Felix #2 was once again looking for a job. The one he had after ours was only a short term position and it had ended some time ago. She told Felix #2 that we might be needing a new night guard…I guess she knew that Eddy wouldn’t be able to stay awake for long. Felix #2 decided to come see if we needed help. Jim talked to him, took his phone number and filed it in the Employee Book.
I talked with Margarita on Monday about Felix #2’s visit the day before. She acted surprised. I had to smile at how much the employees talk about things among themselves, thinking we never have any idea. Margarita told me that Felix #2 was a good, honest man and that he was a strong Christian, all things that Eddy wasn’t. I couldn’t argue with her about that.
I did tell her that Felix #2 had quit before because he needed more money and he didn’t like the distance between our houses. She told me that his daughter was now expecting a baby and that he was in desperate need of a job. I told Margarita that I understood and that I felt badly for Felix #2 and his family. I also told her that we still had Eddy (at that time), that our pay was still the same and that the distance between Felix’s house and ours wasn’t any shorter now than it was last year. She nodded her head in agreement and continued to mop the floor. Our conversation was through.
Fast forward to today. Jim called Felix and he seemed to be excited to take the job. Jim reminded him the pay was the same as it was when he quit a year ago and that the work hours had changed. He also reminded him that it’s still a long way to our house. Felix was fine with all of it. Or at least he was today. We’ll see how long the honeymoon lasts this time. He begins tomorrow night.

God provides...

Don’t ever think you can second-guess God…He is so creative…well, yeah…I know…He IS the Creator, so I guess that makes sense. But He truly is. He is also merciful beyond compare in ways that we often don’t even recognize. And He loves to bestow His blessings. I think He enjoys surprising His children sometimes with just how those blessings are delivered.
That is such a tricky thing to say because I’m going to write about a material blessing and yet I really do believe that the presence of the Lord IS the blessing. Living here has made me more aware of that than ever before. So, in order to unite those two for the purpose of this particular blog, I want to share that as a result of someone being blessed by the presence and love of the Lord in their own lives, they in turn, have blessed us in a material way.
If you remember, my computer crashed last week which resulted in the loss of, or at the very least, the inaccessibility of, all the information stored in my hard drive. That event resulted in the loss of all my lessons for all my English classes, my spreadsheets, my blogs, my Bible program, my newsletters and template and all the other things a person stores on their computer. I was devastated. I couldn’t believe it and I couldn’t believe the timing of it. School was ready to start. I know God is in control of all things so I knew there was a reason for His allowing this but I sure wasn’t understanding what it might be. I also know that God doesn’t owe me an explanation. And so, I started trying to figure out what I could do instead of dwelling on what had happened. It was a struggle…
And if that weren’t enough, I realized all too quickly that left us with only Jim’s computer which we use as a backup. It’s a refurbished laptop that we bought directly from Dell after our other laptops were stolen. We chose a refurb for one reason only…it was the only one we could get shipped in the time we had allotted. A friend of Susanna’s was coming to visit and had offered to bring a laptop to us so we hurriedly ordered what was available at the time. The cost was cheaper but not enough to justify the quality we received.
The poor thing has been limping along almost from the get-go. It is fine when it’s working as it should…the problem is, it is becoming more and more frequent that it doesn’t. It is a scary thing to know that this is what we now depend upon. Many folks use their ‘puters for entertainment purposes but it is our link to home.
True, it is how we watched our few dvds (until Mandy sent us a small dvd player at Christmas) and it is how I listen to Bott Radio every morning but it’s main purpose is the tool we use to conduct and connect the “business” of Deep Water to those back home. It is how we know who is sick, who has something to celebrate, who is hurting, who is afraid, who is lonely and it is how we communicate those things to you. It is how we get to hear the voices of those we love and miss so much and how we send info to those who need it. The thought of being without a computer makes me feel anxious. It also makes me appreciate what life must have been like for all those who preceded us on the mission field who didn’t have the luxury of electronic communication. We are blessed to have even a wounded computer!
Yes, our wounded laptop is a blessing but we recognize the fact it’s “living” on borrowed time. We had reconciled ourselves to the idea that we would have to purchase a new laptop in March. I began doing some research on what type of computer might best serve our needs, be reliable and still be within our already-stretched budget. (Our vacation to Miami was great and we definitely rested while there but it was still more expensive than we had planned…I suppose that’s how life is in most ways…more (fill in the blank) than we expected. I know what I was looking for was asking a lot but that’s what I tend to do…ask the Lord for the impossible!
I happened to be checking my Facebook account the other day while Jim’s laptop was in a happy mood and allowing me to get on the internet. All of a sudden, a chat window popped up and it was one of my sweet, young friends from FBC. She cut right to the chase, told me she had heard about our computer and asked what we were doing. I began to fill her in and she didn’t even wait for me to complete my long-winded answer before she asked if they could give us their new laptop. I was stunned in one respect and yet not terribly surprised in another as she has consistently been one of the most giving and generous people I’ve ever come across. She has an amazing heart and God has blessed me with her friendship even though she’s much closer in age to my own children than to me!
She sent the details of the laptop and it was the very brand I was looking seriously at buying! I couldn’t believe it. I quickly told her we would pay for the laptop but as much as we appreciated her heart and her offer, we just couldn’t accept it as a gift.
Well my friend is not only generous and often, impulsive, but she is also very smart. She immediately played the one card against which I have no comeback. She said that God had laid it on her heart to do that and that she knew it was something they were supposed to do. She assured me they have three other computers in their home and that she bought it only because it was such a good deal she didn’t want to pass it up. She said God knew that we would need a new laptop and that He had prompted her to go back to the store and buy it. That happened in November – two months before the crash! She seemed ecstatic – not only to be able to do this for us but also to answer a need that the Lord had brought before her.
I have told you before that I am a giver. I love to give! But God is teaching me there is another side of giving and that’s receiving. Both are to be done with humility in the heart. I know I’m not alone in this struggle…I think there are many of us “givers” who have trouble “receiving”. I can’t answer for all the rest of them, but I know God has been speaking to my heart through His Word about the various forms pride can take. Refusing to receive God’s blessings is one of those forms and it was one of the things He had been dealing with me about in another manner unrelated to this. Ouch!!! He was no longer whispering to me about that, He was now using Facebook!
I talked to Jim and asked him what he thought. He told me that it was an incredibly generous offer but he was concerned as this particular laptop was supposed to come with Windows 7 and all of our disks with the programs we have to use are compatible only with Vista or Windows XP operating systems. I told my friend of Jim’s concern and she told me that the computer didn’t come preloaded with Windows 7, that the disk for it was coming in the mail and had not yet arrived so there wouldn’t be an issue. She just wouldn’t load it with Windows 7 and we could load all our programs on it without any problems. God takes care of the details!
I thanked her as best I could. I was so dumbfounded and my simple words just didn’t seem adequate to convey the depth of our gratitude. My eyes blurred as I typed those simple words, “Thank you so much.” She responded that she was excited to be able to do that for us and then she quickly moved right in to how we were to actually get the computer. She wanted to ship it to us but that’s not an option for us here. It would be too much of a temptation to someone and would never reach us. We decided that we would wait until we came home in March. I told her that God knew our situation and that we were just going to continue to ask the Lord to keep Jim’s computer running until we could replace it. She said she believed He would do that and then she told me she had to go as she was helping another friend stain their new cabinets.
That is such a good example of who she is. She is high energy, she is determined, she is fun and funny and she is an extremely caring and giving person. She loves the Lord and she desires to be obedient to Him. She understands the blessing of the Lord’s presence. She also understands the blessing of giving. And that our blessings don’t stop with us but that we are all blessed to be a blessing. She was and we are.
Wow! God’s provision!

Groanings...

So, what do you feel when you feel nothing? If you feel empty then isn’t that feeling something or is that feeling nothing? It’s a conundrum. Whatever it is…or isn’t…that’s what I’m feeling…or not. Confused? Me, too. We just got home from having a good dinner out with some new friends and it was really a fun evening. We haven’t enjoyed ourselves that much for a long time and the time flew by as we visited with this group of folks all associated with Fortress of Hope Children’s Home.

We came home and all the animals needed immediate attention. Jim had to stay on the front porch to clean Xander’s dirty paws before he could come in to the house and I had to go out on the deck to feed the crying cats their second dinner of the evening!

I had gotten a glass of water for Eddy, our night guard, and was coming in the bedroom to talk to Jim about taking it out to him and giving Eddy some extra cash. The guards get paid on Sunday and Eddy went to the Oriental Market this morning to buy groceries for the week and was robbed. He’s still without food and now without any money. We had discussed re-paying him this week’s wages and also cautioning him about going to that market. He has already told us that we shouldn’t go there…maybe he’ll now follow his own advice. The problem is that it’s so much cheaper but I don’t see the savings if you lose all you’ve got.

As I walked in to the bedroom to talk to Jim about Eddy, Jim met me in the doorway and had the oddest expression on his face. I asked him what was wrong. He said, “Your brother died.” I wasn’t sure I heard him correctly and asked him to repeat it. He did. He said that Mandy had sent an e-mail and the obituary. My brother had died two weeks ago on January 15th.

I sat down and read the obituary through…several times. I kept waiting for something. I felt nothing – just hollow. Some of you know about my brother, some of you may not. He was a sick, twisted man and had been sick for as long as I can remember although I am not referring to any physical ailment.

I had always thought I would feel an enormous sense of relief and freedom on the day I would hear about his death. I don’t. Neither do I feel sadness or loss. I don’t feel anything…almost as if I’m detached from this news. Maybe I am. I asked Jim, “Why don’t I feel anything?” His response was, “Maybe you don’t know what to feel.” He’s right.

My husband is a wise man…and very compassionate. He wants to comfort me. There’s nothing in me that needs comforting…not yet…maybe not ever. I don’t know. But my Father in heaven knows thanks to the work of the Holy Spirit. Romans 8:26 in the NIV says, “And the Holy Spirit helps us in our weakness. For example, we don't know what God wants us to pray for. But the Holy Spirit prays for us with groanings that cannot be expressed in words.” The NASB calls it a “groaning too deep for words”. I like that description. And that’s how I felt when Mom died a few years ago…a deeply profound grief that I couldn’t put in to words. But my brother? Not so much. So, I’m trusting that the Holy Spirit will help me in this weakness since I don’t know what to pray for and that He will utter the groanings that perhaps are buried somewhere deep in my spirit. I hope they’re there. Maybe tomorrow the feelings will come…