Yes, Lord...

Today’s our anniversary…we’ve been here for one year as of today. I thought I would feel a great sense of accomplishment when this day came. I don’t. I feel tired and unsure of so many things. Earlier tonight, Jim asked me what I felt about this first year. Bless his heart, he never should have asked. Actually, I feel so much more than I have words and you know me…I have a lot of words. That question has brought a lot of reflection and a flood of emotions to me this evening.

It’s been a good year and it’s been one of the most difficult years I’ve experienced. It’s been hard physically, emotionally and spiritually. It’s been frustrating and frightening. It’s been a year of unanswered questions, unrealized hopes, burst bubbles and raw realities. It’s been one of the longest and loneliest years I think I’ve ever lived through. But that being said, it’s not been without its moments of great joy and satisfaction, moments of immense privilege and moments of blessed assurance. Those have been brief. I suppose that’s to be expected as valleys are much broader than mountain tops.

There have been times we’ve both asked if we heard God correctly…maybe we should have gone to Budapest…maybe it would have been easier. I think probably, in many respects it would have. We wouldn’t have a lot of the concerns we have being “independent” missionaries but I don’t think that’s where God called us. I don’t think we would have learned in Budapest the things we’ve learned about ourselves here. They’ve not necessarily been pretty things but they have been necessary. We’re still learning.

Sometimes, I feel like I’m stumbling around in the dark with my ears plugged, my voice gone and my hands tied…and I’m scared. I want to see what’s ahead of me. I want to hear God’s voice, so clear, so loud and so God-marked that I have no doubts as to what He wants next from me. I want to cry out that I need someone to lead me by the hand in this missionary mine-field that I’ve stumbled upon.

The faith answer to that little tirade is trust God’s Truth, not my feelings. I don’t know if you have conversations with God in your head or not, but I do. His response to that last paragraph goes something like this…

“Are you really in the dark, Lynne?”

“No…but I feel like it sometimes.”

“Okay…but ARE you?”

“No.”

“And obviously, your ears aren’t plugged…you just heard Me, didn’t you? You hear Me speak to you through my Word, through your daily devotion, through your music, through others, in your head like now…you hear Me, Lynne. I know you do. Don’t you?”

“Yes.”

“I hear you, too. You’ve not lost your voice.”

“Okay…it’s just that…well, it’s just that I feel so uncertain about, well, about everything.”

“That’s okay. You only have to be certain of Me. I’ll take care of the rest. As far as your hands being tied…the only thing tying your hands are those invisible cords of fear you’ve wrapped around your own wrists. They’ll fall off when you start walking again with Me in faith, I promise. Don’t worry about keeping step with anyone else…walk with Me.”

“Okay.”

“You want to know what’s ahead of you? You already know…it’s spending eternity with Me. I won’t show you what you think is the future. You’re struggling with your present. But, I will tell you that what I want you to hear from Me, clearly, loudly and without a doubt that it’s direction straight from Me and that is that I want you to love Me with every fiber of your being and if you do that, the rest will be revealed to you as you need it.”

“Okay, I hear you.”

“As far as that whole stumbling in to a missionary mine-field thing? Since you started following Me, you haven’t stumbled anywhere that I haven’t caught you, have you?”

“No.”

“Well, why would I fail you now?”

“You wouldn’t.”

“Okay then. Remember that. One more thing…you didn’t stumble in to this…I brought you here. That’s enough for you to know right now. I’ve given you the ability to see the big things in the little things…don’t quit looking. I’m here. I haven’t left. You’re not alone. I love you.”

“Yes, Lord.”

“There…that’s what I’ve been waiting to hear. Now go to bed. It’s late. Rest. Rest in me.”

“Yes, Lord. Thank you…for everything. I love you, too. Good night.”