Happy 4th Anniversary to us...

Happy 4th Anniversary to us!   This is an expanded version of the Facebook post.

It was April 29th, 2008 that we placed our feet on Nica soil committed to go wherever and do whatever the Lord would have for us.  We imagined giving our obedient "yes-es" would be so much easier than it sometimes has been.  We romanticized about the "sacrifices" we would be making.  We had no idea what those "sacrifices" would cost us until it came payment time.  We are not foolish enough to think there won't be more.  We were infants on the mission field where maturing is a necessity or returning home is compulsory.  

Four years ago, we were so idealistic...today we are much more realistic. But ironically, the vision remains the same. Share the gospel with those who have not heard it, explain it to those who do not understand it and then live it out before those who have not seen it.  Having the vision was simple...working toward its realization has been a little more difficult.  

Opposition has come in forms and from those whom we would never have imagined.  The language of those who profess to follow Christ should speak the language of prayers and encouragement...sometimes, though, we have heard white-washed whispers and words of discouragement, condemnation, accusation or empty promises...and what may have been even worse...not heard words at all.  Those were some tough days...days of feeling forgotten or days filled with doubts.  Thankfully, there have not been many of them.  God has been so very faithful to never have allowed us to sink too deeply in the life-sucking mire of self-pity!  He has blessed each of us with a spouse who doesn't tolerate that well in the other one!  Jim is much gentler with his admonition than I am...I'm still trying to figure out how to make "Snap out of it!" sound spiritual!  :)

We have learned much about the value of making and maintaining healthy relationships...with others, with each other and with the Lord.  Living without hiding behind all the distractions that the Land of Plenty offers can be quite disconcerting before it becomes liberating.  Our DNA of instant gratification and USA expectations runs deep and it has been at times, a stretch of either our adaptability or clarification genes to make the proper distinction between cultural differences, personal preferences and Kingdom expectations.   

We have maneuvered the landmine of car repairs and less-than-legit mechanics (still not out of that loaded field!).  We have learned some of the finer intricacies of shopping at the local markets.  We have welcomed friends and family with tears of joy and saw them off again with even more hot tears than I would care to admit.  We have opened our home to near-strangers and experienced both great guests and not-so-great guests.  We have had our eyes painfully pried opened to and our hearts sadly pricked by the hurtful behaviors of others who also call themselves missionaries.  We have had to seek the forgiveness of God and the forgiveness of others for our own offenses.  We have blundered culturally both here and there and sometimes, we wonder where home really is.  And then we're reminded, we are aliens and strangers and this is not our home...regardless of where a GPS might locate us.       

The Lord has both challenged and blessed us greatly the past 4 years. He has granted us countless acts of mercy and has been patient and forgiving untold number of times. His Hand of protection has shielded us in situations that we can recount and in times, I'm sure, of which we never knew.  He has led, He has prodded, He has encouraged and He has chastised.  He has comforted, He has provided and He has taken away.  But He has never left us in any of it.  

We have experienced very great highs and very low lows.  We have seen the most beautiful displays of God's creation and the ugliest and most depraved sign of man's nature.  We have gasped in awe at His handiwork and in horror at the manifestations of man's sinful rebellion.  We have been privy to have witnessed and to have experienced great moments of joy and profound moments of pain.  I could never have imagined what an adventure this journey would be nor would I have changed one single thing, although there have been times of heartache and discouragement. 

The Lord has grown my faith exponentially and He continues to take my breath away every time He takes my hand and guides me into areas I fear to tread!  Whether that is in a dangerous barrio after dark (with a window that won't roll up!) or sharing with the drug dealers about Jesus or praying with a family whose daughter is moments from death or counseling a young woman who is beaten daily by her husband or trying to console the family who frequents the local witch and medium after the death of their beloved grandmother.  None of those were places I would have chosen to go...but they were all places the Lord led me.    

I feel incredibly blessed today and am so excited to see what He has for us around the corner on this rough and bumpy road.  We sense that road is going to lead to a relocation for us and that He has something new for us in this next year.  As much as I want to stay "put" and settled, I don't see that happening.  But we'll see.  He has been good to keep us unsettled enough that we have to depend on Him so I would imagine "if it ain't broke, don't fix it."  That's Ozarkian for "Lynne...learn to travel light!"  I am just so incredibly thankful that Jim is the one who is traveling that road with me and that our Constant Companion is the Lord.  I love you, Lord...I want to love you even more and I am looking forward to the rest of our journey!

Another day at La Mascota...

Well, today's report on Kenneth is almost anti-climactic after last night's phone call from Danelia...she sounded so upset when she called me and so this morning was filled with apprehension as we made our way to Tipitapa to pick Kenneth up to take him to the hospital. 

He was running a slight fever when we arrived this morning and was quiet but he wasn’t nearly as ill as I had been led to believe last night.  After a couple of hours, he was back to being very ornery and more than ready to pester me while I tried to read!  So, I took a break and played with him, pestered him back and kept him supplied with activities to keep him busy. 

As the morning wore on, he became very alert and active and I became more and more tired!  We had gotten up a little after 5:00 this morning since we wanted to get to the hospital early…but Managua traffic didn't seem to be on the same schedule we were so we didn't get to there until a little after 8:00 a.m.  I was expecting a full house since we arrived later than normal but there really weren’t that many there yet.  That enabled us to get a seat in the front where there was room for Kenneth’s wheelchair and where we could sit directly under a ceiling fan.  Jim turned it on before we even sat down as it was already so hot in the waiting room and it wasn’t even crowded yet. 

Kenneth had his blood taken first thing and then we settled in the stuffy waiting room to wait.   I knew it was going to be a long morning but didn’t realize how long!.  Even though there weren't as many patients this morning as normal, those who were there all seemed to be on the sick end of their chemo.  Stretched across the rows of 3-seats were all ages of children, each in their own stage of misery…some were bald; some had facial sores, some were painfully thin with gaunt, pallid cheeks while others were so bloated from their chemo treatments that they looked as if they were human balloons; some whimpered, some cried aloud; a few were interested in the television, most were not.  Most just were in their state of endurance.  The pediatric oncology waiting room is not anyone’s favorite place to be.    

Every time we visit, there is always at least one child (besides Kenneth, naturally) who captures my attention.  Today, there were several.  One was a little girl, about 5 or 6 years of age who was terrified to go in to the chemo room.  She wore a scarf over her head and she was starting to have that “look” that most of the children there seem to have.  It’s indescribable, but it’s recognizable. 

The little girl began crying very loudly to the point she was almost hysterical as her mother drug her down the aisle, past us and out the glass waiting room doors and across the hall to the other set of glass doors which open in to the chemo waiting area.  Still screaming and trying to pull away from her mother, the little pulled her arm so abruptly that she inadvertently knocked the necessary paperwork out of her mother's hands.  Her mother yelled at her and slapped her bare shoulder - and slapped it hard.  Of course, this hurt the child and her screams changed from screams of terror to screams of pain.  The mother quickly grabbed her daughter’s arm again, bent down and picked up the dropped papers and then drug the child in to the chemo waiting room.  I was stunned at the scene that had just played out before me.  I looked around and no one even seemed to be paying any attention to it all…only Jim, Kenneth and me.    

It all happened so quickly…but not so quickly that there wasn't time for my own stomach to churn and my own tears to start.  I bent my head and shut my eyes and began to pray.  I knew the Holy Spirit was speaking for me because in my flesh, I would have been more than just a little angry with the mother for her lack of compassion and the harsh, hurtful manner in the way she handled her daughter.   But honestly, my tears were for the mother as much as they were for the daughter.  Her reaction is not an unusual sight here…some parents are very rough with their children, whatever their particular trigger might be.  I don’t know if this is the way this woman normally handles tough situations or not…I do know that she must be terrified to know her daughter is fighting for her life and furious that there’s nothing she can do to take that fight on herself.  I know that only Jesus can meet the need each one of them has. 

In those few brief moments that I prayed, the Spirit in me spoke to the Father and asked Him to provide comfort for the two unsettled souls across the hall, to bring His peace to their hearts, to take away their fear and anger, to make Himself known to both of them so that they would know that they have a Savior who is mighty to save.  When I opened my eyes, I saw Kenneth watching me intently.  He rolled his wheelchair closer to me and rubbed my arm.  His compassion for others amazes me sometimes and humbles me often.  The whole thing was over with almost as quickly as it started but I have re-played that scene a hundred times in my own mind today and those mental re-runs seem to go by much more slowly than they did the first time around.

In retrospect, I wish I would have been closer and I would have gotten the papers for the lady.  I wish I was fluent in Spanish and wise with my words so I could have calmed the child and calmed her mother.  I wish that children weren't such convenient punching bags or human pressure-release valves for their scared and weary parents.   And in all of those wishes and more, probably the one I “wished” for the most today is that cancer was a disease of the long distant past. 

The second person who caught my eye was a very tiny baby, only weeks old.  I’m not sure why he and his mother were there.  I am sure that his mother carried that same vacant look in her eyes that so many parents of children there carry.  The mother took him up to be weighed…this takes place in the waiting room in front of everyone.  The nurse writes the weight down on a scrap of paper and that info is given to the doctor.  Kenneth and a few other children there no longer get weighed.  It’s a subtle distinction that indicates the doctors don’t think that there’s really any point in it.  But the baby got weighed.  The mom was weighed first with the baby and then the nurse took the baby and weighed the mom again.  And after the mother got her little scrap of paper, she walked like a zombie back to her seat and sat very still.  I can’t imagine that a baby so young could have already been diagnosed with cancer…but then, I can’t imagine why a mother would come and visit such a place if there wasn’t a need.   

I didn’t see the third person who captivated me today.  I only heard him/her.  Like I said, we sat at the front and had our backs to the rest of the group so the only time we actually saw faces today, were during the trips to the restroom or the few times we turned around to see if the waiting room numbers were growing or dwindling. 

There’s always lots of noise in that waiting room…children crying, mothers talking, nurses and doctors bustling in and out, cell phones ringing, the t.v. blaring, etc.  Today, there was a child who had a recorder (we called them flute-o-phones when I was growing up!) and he/she was playing various children’s songs and Christmas carols!  I had to smile at those!  Eventually, I became engrossed in my reading and had basically tuned out all the noise around me, including the flautist, to the point it was just background noise.  But, not long after the episode with the little girl and her mother, I heard the most soothing music gently drifting its way up to us.  I realized the noise in the waiting room had diminished considerably and I concentrated on the melody being played.  It was “My Heart Will Go On”, the theme song to the movie, “The Titanic” and it was being played beautifully…on what was probably a simple, plastic child’s recorder.  The mood shifted in that room for just a few moments and it was as though a much-needed sense of tranquility settled over everyone there.  By the time the song was finished, it was quiet in the waiting room.  That’s not a rare occurrence…that’s a never occurrence…but today, it was.  Everyone seemed lost in their own thoughts, fussy children had gone to sleep, tired children slept and peace made a brief visit to the pediatric oncology waiting room.  We were so blessed by the ushering in of that peace.             

Now about Kenneth’s update…unfortunately, we didn't get the doctor I was hoping to get and because there were only two doctors there today and they arrived 2 ½ hours late for appointments, everyone was rushed in and out for their appointments.  This doctor is very difficult for me to talk with and today was no exception.  He wouldn’t let me finish my sentences and he wouldn’t answer my questions.  He only told me he wants to start Kenneth back on a low dosage chemo but there isn’t any of that particular chemo drug in the country and he has no idea when they’ll get more in.  He seemed to think I could just jump on a plane, fly back to the States, pick some up and come right back so he can start Kenneth on the regimen.  There is such a misconception here about Americans, their supposed importance (to whom, I haven’t quite figured out yet!) and their abilities to get whatever they want with no regard to cost.  This doctor needs a reality check along with about 90% of the country!

He said Kenneth’s blood work came out fine and that he thinks he just has a slight intestinal bug.  He didn’t feel that there was any kind of infection or anything to be concerned about but that he thought Kenneth should start the low dosage chemo again.  He is the chemo-happy doctor…the other two say he shouldn’t take it.  Grrr!  Anyway, his diagnosis and recommendation was determined by looking at his tongue for 3 seconds and listening to Danelia who spoke quite casually about a mildly ill little boy who had several bouts of diarrhea the day before...obviously not the same kid she called me about last night and not the same kid who was pestering the daylights out of me just a few hours earlier! 

So, once again, I don’t know what to think.  I was reminded of the story of the little boy who cried wolf.  I sometimes feel that we are dealing with a similar situation with Danelia.  We have many of these kinds of calls from her where she is almost crying, saying Kenneth is very, very ill and yet when we arrive at their house, whether it’s that same day or the next morning, he seems to be fine.   And going to Danelia’s is a commitment of time and resources since they live over an hour away from us.  But even so, Jim and I both agree that we can’t take the chance of not responding to these types of calls.  Kenneth matters.   

So tonight, I guess I am adding something else that I am asking the Father for regarding Kenneth and that is wisdom in these situations.  Thank you all for being so faithful to pray every time I ask.  I don’t want to be one who cries “Wolf” either but neither do I believe your prayers are “wasted”.  Kenneth is still with us.       

God's glory is all around...

Just put the first batch of mango bread in the oven...I love mango season!  Just wish it didn't correspond with 97 degree temps w/ heat index of 116!  And my kitchen faces the west which only adds to the heat...I wonder if I could bake the bread letting it sit in the sunshine coming in through the window???  It would be like my own Easy Bake oven Nica style! 

This morning not only started out hot, but also with a small earthquake hitting about about 60 miles southwest of us when we were doing our quiet time around 7:10 a.m. or so.  It was a slight one and did no damage but the tremor shook the furniture enough to get our attention!  Pretty timely when reading about God's incredible power! 

This morning also saw peace come to a war that's been waged all week on our bedroom's little deck.  I waved the white flag of surrender at the mourning dove that has been intent on building a nest in one of my flower pots to signify that she had won the battle.  I really thought the territory was mine and was willing to fight for it initially because I didn't want the mess of a bird out there nor did I want to lose my flowers, but honestly, I just don't have the heart to keep chasing her out. 

There is a plant place that has some of the more common U.S. plants at really good prices and so I have a small pot of two geraniums and some rose moss that we just planted last week...it was my own little piece of familiar flowers and reminded me of "home".  I loved it and have been making sure every day that the sun wasn't scorching the leaves.  I guess the soon-to-be mama bird thought it felt homey also because she has been relentless about re-building her nest every day. 

Oh...Jim just came down from upstairs and told me that we have an egg in the nest!  I'm glad I gave in!  I think it's probably going to be the closest thing to spring I'll see here this month!  Just the thought of baby birds right outside our bedroom slider makes me smile.  I do hope that Mama Dove realizes that the sun shining on that patio in the afternoon is brutal and could result in hard-boiled babies if she's not careful!  

God's glory has just been so evident all day today...from this morning's shaking to the tasting of His sweet, sticky mangos to the gift of new life beginning right out on our deck.  The wonder of His creation is only surpassed by the love of the Creator!

Who is your Spiritual Father?

Another Facebook Post...thought I would share it with you...

I am overcome with emotion this morning.  It started out with my Bible reading during my quiet time...I always do that before I do a chapter in whatever Bible study I'm currently doing.  My heart was tender this morning as I prayed about some burdens that are weighing heavy.  
I'm currently reading in Numbers...you wouldn't think that would be a particularly "stirring" book...read it again.  I'm on the last week of my current Bible study, Living Intimately by Lenya Heitzig and Penny Rose and they are addressing the prayer Jesus offers up to His Father before leaving the Upper Room and going across the Kidron Valley to the Garden of Gethsemane.  (John 17).  Very timely considering that Resurrection Sunday is just two weeks away.  I have picked this study up and put it down several times over the last six months.  I couldn't have planned the timing on this if I had tried.  God's timing is always perfect!  
The scripture that brought me to tears early this morning...and opened the flood gates of my heart in the following hours...is John 17:20 which says, "I do not pray for these alone, but also for those who will believe in Me through their word;". 
I began thinking of the number of times that Pastor Dave has said that we are here (as believers) because of the faithfulness of those who have gone before us.  I really took that statement and that scripture out and looked at it closely and let it play out in my mind.  I was just overwhelmed by the fact that because of the faithfulness and obedience of the disciples to go out and be Jesus' witnesses "in Jerusalem, and in all Judea and Samaria, and to the ends of the earth." (Acts 1:8) that I am spending eternity with the Lord Jesus and avoiding an eternity in Hell.  That baton has been passed on countless number of times to people all over this globe all throughout the last two millennia.  
I also began to wonder which of the disciples was my "Spiritual Father"... which one told whoever who told whoever who told whoever and so on...who told my pastor, who told me.  To whom do I cry out my thankfulness when I meet him someday in heaven?  To whom do I say, "I am here because you loved the Lord enough to follow His teaching, to obey His command, to love the unlovable...to reach out to someone so lost in their sin...someone like me?"  
I know that my salvation does not rest on the shoulders of any man and that it is only by the Father's mercy that He drew me to the Son so that I could repent and find forgiveness for my sins.  But I would have never heard the truth of this Savior, plain and straight, if someone hadn't been faithful to have shared His Words with me...and my pastor, and so on in reverse, for the last 2,000 years.  For that, I am truly eternally grateful...and humbled by that tie that binds me to one of Twelve who was so faithful to His Lord.  That is a treasure that is worth pondering, exploring and sharing!  
And for what it's worth...I tend to think it must have been Peter, the brash, headstrong, and at times, quick-with-the-tongue and quick-to-fail disciple...I see some strong "family resemblances" in him!  :)  

Snippets of life lately...

Still no internet at the house so this is a copy of a Facebook post that I put up today...we're borrowing internet at CINAFE and our time is limited...hope this explains a little bit about what's been going on here the last few weeks.  

Sitting this afternoon at CINAFE...they are graciously allowing us to borrow their internet so we can check messages. We went to the mall to try it there and it was sporadic so we decided to stop by here and so far, so good! Thank you, Lord! It's at times like this that I realize how much we depend on our internet to stay connected with everyone at home. Right now, they're saying maybe tomorrow. Have you noticed that's been the same thing we've heard for about a week now??? :)
The other news is that the roadblocks are now appearing on almost all of the major roads leading to the outer regions of the country. There was an article that their blockade was lifted at Sebaco but only as long as they get to meet with the gov't. officials today...otherwise, it goes back up. The inconvenience and frustration are nothing compared to the actual impact this is having on people in this country. This has caused an estimated loss of 5.5 million dollars in coffee exports. Goods are prevented from being sent up north and the fuel supply is already getting low there. The protestors say they're prepared to keep the blockade up as long as necessary until their demands are met. So, right now, thousands of innocent people are being "held hostage" by this type of behavior. Selfishness and pride are the cornerstones of both ends of this roadblock!
Jim and I were talking today that when we moved here 4 years ago, we thought things were difficult. The situations haven't really changed a whole lot...the only difference now is that we're not as surprised by them, but they do not go unnoticed. For example, the internet fiasco. Just as frustrating now as it was then. Electric rates and water rates are going up. So is diesel...the fuel of choice here. As are food prices. We're hearing more and more about water shortages and power outages. Violence against women is becoming more and more prevalent. An increased confiscations of goods coming in through customs. Of course, most of this is not making headline news but there is one thing that has been in the forefront of the news lately, and that is the government's confiscation of private land. That's a scary thing...especially for those who are not part of the same political persuasion as the current (and probably, forever!) administration. These kinds of things just are a constant reminder that we are not of this world! Thank you, Jesus!
This is almost like a mini-blog at this point...
Our return this time from the States has been challenging, to say the least. Of course, the on-going car issues...yes, the car made its weekly visit to the mechanic on Monday...they were happy to see Jim pull in, I'm sure. And naturally, the lack of internet...you know how I'm feeling about that. The ants - they are relentless! Our little 10" back-up Netbook is on its last leg...the display is temperamental and the keyboard is no longer usable at all so it's useless for communication. My Zune has decided in the last few days that it's also looking at permanent retirement and yesterday, my Kindle began developing black lines through the display. After researching a little bit ago on here, I found that's usually the prelude to it dying. The color on our t.v. has become, well, quite interesting...that's the only way I know how to describe it. Let's just say that it sees things through rose...and green colored glasses! I don't know what's going on with our little world of electronics...and I didn't realize how much we used them! Of these three things, I think I shall miss my Kindle the most. It is my companion for my morning devotions, my source for nighttime reading and helps me keep my sanity during our 6 hour visits at the hospital. It has an English/Spanish dictionary on it, several Bibles and lots of still-to-be-read books. I told Jim this morning that I just love my Kindle and it's breaking my heart that it doesn't love me back! Guess, I'll get over that heartbreak just like I have so many others. :)
Finally,, and maybe the thing that has been the most spirit-bothering of all is that we are beginning to sense some resistance in Tipitapa. I don't want to go in to detail right now...I keep thinking it could just be something insignificant or passing...but the truth of it is, ever since we ramped up our teaching of God's Word, there has definitely been a change of attitude towards us. Not a surprise since scripture warns of such things...we'll see how this all plays out. And we're going to continue with our teaching until we are no longer able to do so. Obviously, the enemy wishes we would get discouraged and quit. So, Saturday's lesson is going to be about the Tower of Babel...and, hopefully, we'll also be able to do a leprechaun craft...I've already got it figured out how I am going to tie the imaginary little green man to the very real Jesus!
Okay...that's all the news that I have for today. Hope everyone is staying healthy and walking close to the Lord...thanks for hanging on all the way to the end of this! :)

In the waiting room...

Many of you continue to pray for and to ask about Kenneth.  This past week’s appointment was such a good encouraging visit for him in the respect that the palliative care doctor said that she’s so impressed with how well he is maintaining.  She did stress that he was maintaining and not improving.  His weight seems to have stabilized the last few months and his energy level remains good considering the cancer.  Now that he’s taking the morphine along with his other pain medication and as long as he stays on schedule with those, his pain rarely gets out of hand.  His appetite has returned and so he’s back to eating like he should…it’s only the occasional bouts of nausea or a more intense level of pain that seem to throw his appetite off.  

We continue to praise God for the work we see Him doing in Kenneth and through him.  Dr. Ortiz made sure to tell Danelia and us this time that she, too, believes in God and that she also believes in miracles but she made it very clear that she is a doctor first and that she believes in medicine and the work it does and that nothing has changed with Kenneth’s condition.  I’m praying that God will do a complete healing in Kenneth and use him to teach her that she needs to reverse the order of those beliefs!  But whether the Lord chooses to do that or not, we don’t doubt for one minute that as long as he’s drawing breath, God has a plan for him and we’re so privileged to have him as part of our lives.

We are always worth a few good stares from both parents and children who may not be used to seeing us sitting in the waiting room.  There are a few of the children who seem to be afraid of all of this white skin being so close to them but for the most part, the kids are extremely curious about us.  So, we often feel as though we’re on display.  This observation was reinforced to us during this hospital visit.

Kenneth became very bored early on this visit.  He tired quickly of the cartoons that they were showing on the television and he lost interest in the coloring things I had brought for them.  We did the routine thumb wrestling until that also got old.  Finally, I asked him if he knew how to play “Roca, Papel, Tijeras” (Rock, Paper, Scissors) and he told me no.  So, I explained it to him and Jim and I demonstrated how to play it. 

   

It was a new and fun game and before long, I realized that the children were starting to gather around and watch while Kenneth and I played.  I asked them if they wanted to learn how to play and they all said no but I watched them try to make the shapes with their hands.  So, I just told them to try it and I would help them.  Before long, we had “Roca, Papel, Tijeras” games going on all around us!  What was really funny was that when I first started playing with Kenneth, I would wrap my “paper” around his “rock” to show him how that constituted a win.  I also took my “rock” to break his “scissors” and took my “scissors” to cut his paper.  Well, watching the other kids play, I saw them do the same thing, imitating everything I had been doing to teach Kenneth.  This drove the point home even more that we are always being watched and how important it is that we are conscious to always show Christ at all times.     

The down side to this week’s visit was seeing one of our favorite boys that we’ve gotten to know at the hospital.  Luis is the same age as Kenneth and they were roommates during one of Kenneth’s hospital stays.  Luis and his family live about 5 ½ hours away.  They are a poor family but Luis’ has a priceless smile.  He grins from ear to ear and we are always glad when we happen to see him in the waiting room…that is until we remember why he’s there.  Luis has 4 younger siblings, one being a six-month old baby.  His papá, a quiet, gentle man, is always the one to bring him for his appointments due to the long bus ride and so his wife can stay home with the other children.  His father works on a finca, harvesting and separating corn…it is hard work and pays very little.

  

For the last few years, Luis has consistently looked stronger and healthier than Kenneth.  And even when we saw him last August, the last time we saw him before we came back to the States for furlough, Luis still looked good.  That’s why we were so shocked and saddened to realize that the horribly thin little boy with the gaunt face and dull eyes standing before us was Luis.  His cancer had come back with a vengeance and it was ravishing his poor little body.  When I looked at his papa, I realized he had the same empty look in his eyes that I saw in Luis’s…I thought I was going to cry on the spot.  It’s never easy to go in to the waiting room in the cancer ward…but somehow, seeing a child we had come to know and care for take such a dramatic downward turn in such a short time really hit me hard.

His father told us that they had been at the hospital for the last 20 days, staying in the housing area (a dorm type system) that is provided for those like Luis who are there for extended outpatient treatment or for parents to rest while their children are patients.  The doctors were trying to get Luis’ blood counts where they needed to be so they could start chemo again.  But, his numbers weren’t going in the right direction.  They were there that day to find out what that day’s blood work showed.  If the numbers still weren’t where they needed to be for treatment, they were going to send them back home and have them just get what treatment they could if and when his counts improved.  Even before Luis had his appointment that afternoon, I think we all knew that there was not going to be any treatment and that most likely, his counts are not going to improve.  

When Luis and his father went in to Dr. Mendieta’s office, Jim and I just looked at each other.  Normally, the time the doctors spend with their patients is no more than 10-15 minutes, going over that morning’s blood work and then writing scripts for whatever medications might be needed.  Occasionally, a doctor will spend a little longer and we find that happens quite often with Dr. Ortiz and Kenneth as she seems to be very thorough in discussing things with Danelia.  Dr. Mendieta is not known to spend that extra time with his patients.  It was almost thirty minutes later, when Luis walked out of his office with his head hung down.  His father stayed in the office.  Luis didn’t even smile at us when he walked by us to go over to another office across the hallway.  Finally, his father came out and even behind his sunglasses and his hat pulled down low, we could see the face of a man who was shaken to his core.  

Danelia went and talked with him for a few minutes and then came back and told us that they were sending Luis home and that things didn’t look good at all.  Luis not only looked bad, he was bad.  She also told us that his father had stayed so long in Managua that he had lost his job at the finca.  She said that he was going to have to take the regular bus back home because they didn’t have the money for the express bus which would cut the travel time by a couple of hours and he didn’t know if Luis felt strong enough for the bus ride that day.  He hadn’t felt like eating that day.

Jim and I were just sick over the news.  We have really come to care for this brave young man…who is just one of many brave children that we see each time we go…too many.  I had asked Jim when they went in to see the doctor if we could send some money home with Luis’ papá and of course, he agreed without hesitation.  Thankfully, I try to keep a little extra tucked away in a pocket in my purse and so I discreetly got it out and tucked it in my jeans’ pocket.  When his father went out in the hallway to find Luis, I followed him.  I asked him what the doctor said and he told me in a very shaky voice.  He indicated that the papers in his left hand were prescriptions for medications and the paper in his right hand was for the hospital nearest their home town.  I got the feeling that he probably didn’t read well and that he was repeating instructions from Dr. Mendieta.  

When I replied that we thought a great deal of Luis and that we would be praying for him, I realized my own voice wasn’t nearly as strong as I had wished it would have been.  His father just looked down at the paperwork in his hands and nodded.  I took his hand in mine and pressed the money in to it.  He was shocked at first that I would reach for his hand but I think he was even more shocked at what I had left in it.  I told him that he was to use that to buy food for his family or medicines for Luis.  He simply nodded his head and agreement and rasped out a teary “Gracias.”  I walked back in to the waiting room and sat down next to Jim, with that sick, hollow feeling you get when you know that things just aren’t going to go the way that you really want them to go in situations like this.  

And that’s how some days go in the waiting room at the cancer ward for children.